Sometimes it can be really hard to feel happy with myself.
I’ve been working in tech for more than a decade - and I know that rationally I’m good at what I do - but I still do not feel like an expert. It doesn’t help that I’m being gaslit daily. If I don’t use AI I’ll fall behind and become useless. But if I do use it I’m rotting my brain and giving evil companies more money. And whatever I do I’m told my job won’t even exist in a couple of years and AI will do everything for me!
And on a personal level it’s difficult to avoid feeling like I’ve failed somehow too. When my parents were my age they were married with two kids and a mortgage. My lifestyle now seems to work for me, but there’s a constant pressure from somewhere else to “catch up” with where I’m supposed to be.
My last blog post had a similar flavour to this one so it’s clearly on my mind a lot! But I’m finding more and more ways to take back control.
Getting off the internet
I still have that reflex from my teen years where the internet was a place to feel connected. I came of age with Bebo and MSN so online was a space to be social with my friends. The most addictive site was Neopets and infinite scrolling feeds weren’t a thing yet.
But that time is over. “Social” websites aren’t really that anymore, they’re just full of sponsored posts and adverts. Every time I scroll through I don’t feel anything and I retain no information, it’s just an instinct left over from a different time.
And on the more human spaces like Bluesky and Discord, people are so anxious and overwhelmed that we’ve lost the ability to just enjoy things. It’s common to fall into despair about things that aren’t actually happening to you or that you have no way of changing, and it’s too easy to get angry when you see a clickbait headline without knowing all of the context.
If you’re reading this and feeling the same way, I implore you to disconnect. Not forvever, it’s not an all-or-nothing, but just leave for a bit. Maybe an afternoon, maybe a day.
Find something to do that only touches the things you can see and feel right in front of you. Start a new hobby. Go to an in-person event and don’t post about it online. I’ve been playing a lot of Pokopia lately and it’s been so good for my happiness. I also have a couple of crochet projects on the go, which keeps my hands busy but my mind can just wander around a bit and process all my random thoughts.
Giving myself moments
I’m also getting more comfortable with doing things for myself. For most of my life I’ve mentally balanced the “best” decision in a particular moment; like what is the best thing for other people as well as myself? But I’m trying to unlearn that. I want to get better at feeling what I actually want and getting it.
There’s a Hollywood Bowl near me so today I just… went in. Got a lane to myself and played a set. I did terribly and it was over in 15 minutes (turns out bowling is a terrible solo activity) but I leaned into that impulse and it was nice to get it out of my system.
I also had a bath for the first time in about six months; I’m a lukewarm submarine shower kind of person so a bath is normally the last place I want to be! But I have to admit it was healthy to do something so relaxing for myself, completely disconnected from the world for a moment.
So what is my joy?
Being so digitally connected to the rest of the world has damaged my self esteem. We haven’t been taught how to care for ourselves in the modern world, because we’re all having to learn on our own as it’s being forced upon us.
There’s a lot of money in misery. We pay for beauty treatments, and tokens of wealth like watches and cars. We travel to popular tourist locations just to take pictures. But that’s all artificial. Fashions change. Social standards adapt. Doing what you think will make you happy never works because they keep moving the goalposts.
Joy is rebellion. Knowing what gives you genuine joy is power. And keeping your own attention and intelligence is critical, because it’s so easy to give it away for no good reason.